SprinklinThoughts

Truthfulness, Justice, Freedom, Respect…

Category: Me

Meandering Along

As I walk this path of mine, which meanders through what we call the journey of life, I find myself traversing the territory called “twilight years”. This simple or complicated (whichever you will) process gently but inexorably coaxes me to look back and think, “What have I achieved in this life?”

Well, certainly I have (more accurately) ‘done’ much. But what have I truly accomplished… that was of any real import? If I were to be completely honest with myself, I must, in truth admit that it’s not much. Oh, I put in a real effort, did lots of stuff, worked hard and meant well, but I did not actually accomplish nearly enough to be proud of… so little in fact that I am prompted to seriously consider whether or not my life has been wasted. And when I find myself in that space, I cannot help but think that yes, in truth my life has essentially been a waste… of sorts.

Yet, if I consider that life may just be simply a matter of living and growing, then in that way my journey has not and could not be counted as wasted – as I lived and grew (am growing). This is great news, but does not satisfy deep within my soul… especially given the fact that, since I can remember, I’ve mostly felt my purpose was to figure out and be able to explain what life, with a capital L, truly is.

Along with the process of discovering the answer to that question, I’ve also felt that I am duty bound to pass on what I learn, just as an artist must draw, an engineer must design and build, or a doctor must help heal the patient while also imparting some of the requisite knowledge for maintaining good health.

All this I have tried to do… but while doing it, I’ve generally seen that no one is really interested. Really. I mean ask yourself honestly: who really cares what some old (or young) fool thinks about the purpose or meaning of life? And it certainly doesn’t help if my presentation tends to… well… suck… which it does. Yet knowing this is simply another of those hazards or markers we all overtake along the path through the territory of twilight years.

I am also aware of a need to stay positive… to feel as though I and my thoughts (and feelings) do have at least some little value… and thus the need to continue trying… to learn and to contribute what I can… by passing on what I can, however I am able… whether the presentation sucks or not… provided, of course, I continue to improve in that too. 🙂

M

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Broken Wings

Surrounded by people
all with broken wings
tears begin to well

for they cannot fly
and I know not how
to mend broken wings.

But then I think
perhaps it’s only me
the tears start to flow

for I cannot fly
and am not able to mend
even one broken wing.

M

I Feel…

brought forward by music
that seems like a ghostly door
which opens to let out and let in
turns the dark to light lace gray
and makes the Light incandescently…

I feel airily solid in a fluid form
breathe and stand upon ‘neath my feet…
small to a very large degree
and small again, below one G…
happy, sad, gallant,
aired out and clean…

my mind too
feels as crystal in a liquid air,
as thoughts must cannot needs could be…
a heart that beats to life light’s multi-rhythm
yet still I wonder at it all,
conscientiously…

will it was or will it be,
all this wonder that I see…
when others cannot even be
why remain I so free…
and so it is gratitude
most I feel, appears to be…

M

A Lesson Learned

1965 – day after Thanksgiving – Friday, late evening – true story.

I was 14, a sophomore in high school (huh? soph at 14? that’s another story)…

Tom & I were hanging out in the school playground, wishing we had something to drink but alcohol was not so easy to come by. Still, we managed to have a good night with some fun and now it was time to go home – a 5 mile walk.

But Tom didn’t want to walk. He was fifteen and walking was not so cool anymore. Besides, it was work.

“Come on M, what’s the big deal? We go over to the party and hitch a ride home with your brother. Easy. Come on.”

“I don’t know what the big deal is Tom, but I keep telling you I just don’t want to go. I don’t know why. I want to walk home.”

“Geez! It’s cold out here and it’s wet. Plus it’s getting late and my mom’ll kill me if I get in after 11. No way I want to walk. Come on! Let’s go hitch a ride.”

This went on for a while…. back and forth…

As the minutes passed, I wouldn’t give in and neither would Tom…. and he was beginning to get worked up. Somehow I could see (ahead) that if this kept up we were going to get into a fist fight. But Tom was my best friend and I didn’t want that to happen. Still, a couple more minutes went by… and we got closer to fighting.

Finally I said, “OK, look Tom. I really, really don’t want to go, but I also don’t want to fight about it. We’re friends and fighting would be stupid, so OK, I’ll go.”

We walked over to where the party was and got there just as it was starting to break up. My older brother (16) had been drinking (we all did whenever we could) but seemed OK to drive. My younger brother also showed up looking for a ride. We all piled into the Buick which belonged to my oldest brother… I think it was a Skylark, maybe a 1962… a soft beige color with a white convertible top and wicked touchy/light power steering & power brakes. Back then power steering & brakes were still pretty new.

Tom & my younger brother took the back seat and I got into the front passenger seat. I didn’t fasten the seat belt. Belts had just come out and I didn’t like the feeling of constraint.

Off we went, warm, dry, and headed for home.

About a mile from our house, on a fairly narrow road – the kind where two cars can pass each other going in different directions, but they need to slow down and be careful about it – we came around a bend and started down a not too steep hill… maybe 8-10 car lengths long.

I heard a voice – it wasn’t one of the guys in the car, but I could not ignore it; almost like in my head but not quite.

“Now M, you’re going to get into an accident and you need to just relax.”

What could I do? I mean it’s kinda hard to ask a question of some voice when I’m sitting in a car with three other people… so I thought “OK” and relaxed…

A second later, less than halfway down the hill, the car went into a skid toward the left. Could’ve been the wet road & light power steering, or black ice – temperature was just above freezing, very light drizzle… Don’t know.

I thought, “no sweat, we’re going to go up over the bank, maybe go airborne for a bit and land in the field.”

Almost… problem was there’s a hole in the ground at the end of the bank.

The left front wheel went up the bank while the right front wheel hit the hole dead on. The car just flipped over onto its back and proceeded to slide down the road on its hood and the convertible top… for 150 feet.

When we finally came to a stop, and I woke up, I had to extract my foot from under the dash which was resting on the road… my foot stuck beneath it and against the road. I crawled out the driver’s side window because the windshield post (on my, the passenger, side) was resting on the back of the front seat, also on the road… the post running along the top of the door from dash to seat (leaving no headroom)… road to top of door to top of seat.

I had ‘ridden’ down the road on my knees, with my back & head on the bottom of the seat (where the butt usually goes). My foot was OK, but the leather boot was scuffed almost through and my knees required seven stitches each to stop the bleeding.

Days later, as I limped along the school hallways and up & down stairs with knees that were bandaged and would not bend, I kept thinking about the voice… the warning to relax… how I would have no head if I had stiffened up… or fastened my seat belt… how all of this could have been avoided if I had just gone with my very strong gut feeling and walked home. Heck of a way to learn, but it could have been worse…

My friend Tom (unhurt) ended up on top of my younger brother (13) who needed a plastic ligament and 150 stitches in his hand, plus a couple hundred stitches in his scalp.

As I was lying on the table and the doctor was sewing up my knees, a nurse came in and said “Doctor, the boy out in the hall?” (my younger brother) “He’s not breathing.”

The doctor threw the needle & thread down on the table, next to my knee and said, “Damn it, I told them to let me know his status,” and hurried out to save my brother’s life… by reviving him from death as far as I know.

The driver? Scraped his elbow & needed a large bandaid. And Tom with his minor stuff.

But the story didn’t end yet…

There was a man waiting in the ER that night. The newspaper said he was having a heart attack. ER was too busy because of us. He died.

I should’ve walked…

but I *did* learn.

M

An Old Plow Horse

old plow horse
put out to pasture
longs for harness,
to pull plow again

in truth, had merely pulled
blade that turns earth,
for farmer to seed
nurture and harvest

yet ’twas a life’s work
and though tired,
yearns to pull plow
one more time

M

A State of Being

alone, upright, still
look at beyond sky
Spirit attunes
directions seen

world slips away
from shoulder mind
stop look listen be
awakening within

Earth Mother, Spirit Father, Son
mindful of look to upon
some call Universe
partake in present

each moment unique
yet the One
know feel be
heart Light Life Love real

awe for all
full Spirit fills
serene Love solid
dimensions multi wholly

atom energy
Sacred Life alive
All in Love in All
All of Love of All

body and none
edges blend
into One of All
bid keep a form yet “hon”

nothing is denied
free will choose
Life undying
undying thanks

action stress decrease
anger not quite know
stay in tune hesitate not
open, bare self, all got

forgive mistake and err
compassion gentle become
a time for each
each in no time

slow up slow down slow
sublime joy
pause connect
thank accept

open door is
glad to be for to see
keep light lit bright
ever Love must be…

M

Retirement Update #3

Week 12
close to 3 months retired
’round 7 weeks last update

Much happened, happening
something always is
breathing, heart pumping, plus
thoughts… meditations… books, music… people…
experience of all these and more
awareness grows
of happenings multi
all the universe happening
any level
any dimension
beyond understanding

Progress feels appropriate
seems not out of line
although feel is ‘out there’
am not sure
either pushing some limit
or pulling it along, behind

More deeply relaxed
often entire being
emotional, physical, spiritual equilibrium
approaching wholeness
Love and Pure increasingly precedent
remembering
Truthfulness, Justice, Freedom, Respect

Others confirm
calmer
more positive

Allayed pressures
easier steps away project to eat
time to read, not scan
remembering no deadline
lessening of unremitting need
to be productive
produce, do, be active
different to bear fruit

Stepping away
from time manmade
calendars and clocks
to time of now
a time of light or dark
rain or snow, heat or cold
but still to this world tied
still compare
perception of daylight with clock
yet, perception is accomplishment
happily, barely know day of week
is another time of light

Progressing
where am, where been
who am, who was
become truly am, be
from which will come the doing
climb crest of hill
see edge of valley below
perceive great beauty

Feeling of landing on feet
in a private barracks
located in reality of
Intelligent Manifestation
a different world
to studied be

Example…
am a pile of animated wet dust
energized by what
Spirit and dust
both manifestations one and the same
but unique
manifestation and thought
create creation singular

Or…
what One triggers
maple tree awake
how does tree know
for tree is aware…
how does Spring
know to become
is it the Sun
or the Son

The doing…
a lifetime of conditioning
clocks, deadlines, do, must have
to fully aware be
not-doing must first come
however long
then doing will appear
and ’twill be
Love manifest

The physical side…
rise ’bout AM 7
urban outdoors or not
must do’s first then
emails, browse, book, music
nourishment, meditation, breaks
by daylight live, min lighting unreal
stop, look, listen
learn, enjoy, share
sundown
bed, music, quiet
computer (by monitor light)
TV none
groceries weekly, miles few
people one or two per week
hermit, quiet
own slow rhythm

Relatively healthy
content
present
glimpse of veil cut

One thing more
unexpected, is new
news, novels, flicks
tears come
when due

For now
guess that’s it
except to say
Love you…

M

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