The Cusp of Retirement

by SprinklinThoughts

[Guess I might as well try to get this out of my system as somehow it’s turned into a kind of block on my writing. Can’t go around or jump over – must go through…]

Sometime this past summer I had an odd thought, which would not go away… You know the kind, the ones that say, ‘do not ignore this one’ and keep coming back…

The thought was:
‘On the night before Thanksgiving of this year you will die in your sleep. It will be peaceful, painless, and quick.’

Kind of scary, huh? Well I tried to avoid it but couldn’t… I finally decided to just give in… and wrote post about what I did – A Two Day Story

I went to bed that night all prepared to not wake up. My paperwork was done, letters of goodbye, everything I could think of. I even wrote a last post (kind of an ‘all-in-one’ of what I thought was important at the time) – Yo! Script Kiddies…  said my prayers, hit the pillow… and woke up the next morning…

Hmm… I’m still here… yep, I was wrong… but I was also right…

Here’s the thing, I woke up unattached. The preparation and actual goodbyes had somehow freed me during the night. There were no little strings attached to any thing I knew of (as if all the stuff had just disappeared) and a very few ties to my kids, brother, friend, etc. (and you too Sis, no way I’d forget you :-))… I had already simplified my life a lot so this was not difficult – but the major completeness and depth of it is still boggling my mind.

The purpose is so obvious that I cannot deny the happening.

This unencumberedness (new word?) was enhanced by the subsequent emptying of my spirit in a similar and seemingly good way – as my internal strings were broken and the stuff just drained away… along with some darkness.

These two happenings sure put me right on the edge of my ‘too much’… way too much…

So what did I do? How did I cope?

I went to work and gave my notice… all done… I resign… cya… Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a total idiot. I had been planning to retire for a while and only needed to time things to merge with my Social Security benefits kicking in (in a few months). All I really did was push that line to the outermost limit, by about 6 months.

Why’s this all such a big deal to me? Because for the first time in my life I will be free… really free (in this society the next step out is become a mountain man or head for the desert like The Baptist).

My food and rent will be covered by SSI – so no bills to speak of. No debts. No commitments, schedules, meetings, projects, appointments, alarm clocks, or whatever… nada… none… zip.

And because I live alone, I find myself in the position of not having to accommodate anyone else – no rides, shopping, sleep patterns, food, music, & such… the only people I *have* to listen to are the landlord and maybe the cops. 🙂

I’m about to drop out of the middle class and live just above the poverty line – but I’m finally free… freer even than a rich man.

For me, this is really **H U G E**

Shh… I wouldn’t want anybody to go looking for another leash. Hey, that reminds me… is it me or did anyone else here notice that dogs used to pretty much run free in the neighborhood until Bob Dylan sang “If dogs run free, why can’t we?” Must be some dumbass got to listening and thought, “He’s right, we can’t have them running around free now can we? People I mean.”

Anyway…

I am truly dying to the life I once had…

Meanwhile, I can feel my Spirit transforming (a growing seedling) as it is imbued with a different Life energy, somehow Pure and Holy. Just for the record: first thing, I gave thanks to God, my Spirit Father.

I stand on the cusp of my retirement – free to think, feel, choose, and do – having minimal outside influences to deal with…

Finally, as I’ve always wanted to do, I’m dropping out so I can tune in… way out… way in…

Imagine simply being able to Live, Love, and Laugh as Life moves you, with nothing there to postpone, slow down, or even temper… not just for a day or weekend, but every day… long term…

I have no idea what that will mean… or where it will lead…

A simple life, studio style…

MyRoom_121211-1

A few books, a desk, and a computer. No TV, but there’s a small boombox in there someplace.

MyRoom_121211-2

A kicthen that serves the purpose.

A bed, hat, coat, and some tools.

A bed, hat, coat, and some tools.

A rocker to sit & read in.

A rocker in which to sit & read.

A window with a view.

A window with a view (of the next building).

A ferw clothes.

A few clothes, change of linen, and even blessed with a pantry.

My favorite 'thing' - to which I am no longer attached... well, not much anyway.

My favorite ‘thing’ – to which I am no longer attached… well, not much anyway 🙂

[There, that’s out of my system & done with. Maybe now I can write something a little more meaningful or relevant… or something…]

M
In the corner, there is hidden an old canvas with just a drawing on it… one day the Artist picks it up, dusts it off, and using vibrant, life colors, begins to finish His painting… I am the painting.

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