Sometimes I struggle

Today, because I’m in a bad mood (yeah, it’s all kind of getting to me – for the moment)… so I’d like to share something very personal and maybe that will help y’all get a better picture of why I struggle so (between peace & war)…

Ever hang out with bikers? You know, the kind that tend to scare you… Well I have (loaded gun & all) and I can tell you most ‘real’ bikers are the freest people, as a group, I’ve ever met. Reason is that if something bothers them they just take care of it – whatever way seems right. They don’t depend on cops or laws. They tend not to like bullshit either. Mess with one & he’ll mess with you. Simple. Primitive? Maybe, maybe not. Very effective though.

I’ve been abused as a child (see “Sometimes I Feel Like…” post), picked on as a kid, in a street gang (suburb, not inner city), an independent biker, a manager, director (on COO level) and more. In all of those ‘modes’ I’ve learned one thing – when things are not right you figure out what’s wrong and then act. In none of those ‘lives’ was it OK to just sit and take it. Although I believe in being peaceful and having/showing respect for my fellow man, I don’t believe (or haven’t in the past) in sitting still while shit hits the fan around me. Sure there were times I had to; but in almost all cases (almost), with time, I could do something (action) to better the situation.

Examples:

Early years – The gang was having a problem with the guys in the next town – they were always picking fights. I came up with an idea… Every time one of these guys came over onto our turf (we had a nice little hang out at a little beach on a small lake), we would take turns and one of us would go over & pick a fight. After the fight, no matter who won or lost, we would tell the kid to go back and tell the others “Take a truce, or take a beating every time; we’ll share the beach but no more fighting.” Guess how many fights it took… three. Thank God, because I was next up in line – and I hate fighting (also not that good at it).

Mid years – I had a brother who (after a long ‘history’) one day came around and threatened me & my wife – saying “Next time I see you or her out on the road, I’m going to run you off.” Well, I told him to get out of my house, slept on it (so as not to act in anger) and the next day went looking for him. I found him at an intersection. When the light changed I chased him down and called him out “OK right now. Let’s do it.” He was in his car & I was on my bike. I thank the Lord for looking out for me because I could easily have died that day – but instead my brother put on a sheepish look and slunk into his seat. It was done… I took off. For the next few months, every night after work I’d come home, load my rifle and sit out in the yard waiting – if he showed up I was going to shoot him. Once again, thank you Lord for watching over me – or I could be in jail now for murder. My brother never showed up and I never saw him again. That was about 32 years ago.

Later years – As Director of Warehousing Operations (in a $150 million/year food distribution business) I took over for an operation that for 14 years could not get delivery trucks out on time (maybe average 75% at best – some days as low as 35%). When I took the position I told everybody in the department – line in the sand – trucks WILL go out on time. I did not let go, did whatever I thought needed doing. Some days I’d work 24 hours, go home get breakfast & shower, and come back for another 12 hours. (I didn’t expect someone else to do all the work.) Within 6 months the average ‘on time’ departure rate for trucks was about 95-97%. Later I was told “At first I thought you were a real asshole, but now I get what you’re doing. You’re OK man.” I had mellowed a whole lot by then.

In all of this (and a whole lot more) I learned many things – amongst them: violence is not a great option, respect for others is important, Love is the door, and being centered (in the present) is the key.

So that’s all… that’s why I’m struggling – seeing what I see and not being able to stop it is really, really difficult sometimes. Anyway, I’ll sign off now and go breathe – have to re-center. Thanks for listening.

I refuse to sell out.

Oh… almost forgot – the pic is me at age 31 (not today – 1982)… I’m in my standard everyday work clothes, working as a Production Manager with 4 supervisors and 100 workers – and I’m outdoors because we’re having our annual company picnic. A picture says a thousand words. My words? “I really don’t like being fucked with. I mean really. And I get even worse if you’re messin’ with those I love.”

I remind myself… shine the light… keep your flame lit… light others… be part of the awakening… as the dawn lights up the sky, the darkness of night will vanish.

And “like a child” I wish… somehow, someday, my light is going to shine bright… remember those huge signal bonfires on the mountaintops – in “Lord Of The Rings”?… like that… big and bright and effective… maybe… someday… God willing.

Have a great evening… Heck, I feel better already… Thanks everybody!

Frustrating as hell sometimes, but I do love you all – have to… want to… learning to… 🙂

M

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About SprinklinThoughts

Give good to the world & make sense of it... the world, not the good... well... OK, the good too. :-)
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31 Responses to Sometimes I struggle

  1. I’m in love with this post. So beautiful.

    Your spirit is a light; a bright shining beacon of honesty and bravery, with humility and compassionate concern in an often monstrosity-laden world. So rare, anymore.

    You remind me a lot of my husband. A much wiser version. He has always been the most “man” of a man of any man I have ever known. He sees conflict and without pause, without fail, he’s first on site taking action to find resolve. He is abrasive and fearless. Proud and vibrating with an aura of unstoppable initiative. He too lived a life reminiscent of yours, as you speak of (the bikes, the suburban gangs, the corporate world; always the ringleader and the one everybody counts on to get the job done.)

    He catches quite a bit of slack for his domineering tendency of refusing to put up with any BS. Admittedly, this is what makes me love (and sometimes resent) him dearly. He is a mirror. Many people, most people, are not usually prepared to face their own reflection because they don’t like what they’ll see.

    But as you seem to do quite masterfully, he has a certain finesse about it. His own personal refusal to make excuses in his own life, met with a certain unspoken humbleness, brings out the best in people without forcing it about. His energy is magnetic, encouraging the best efforts out of others.

    M: you are a true warrior.

    Thank you for braving the purity of your own perceptions and abilities, for sharing them with us and doing whatever it takes to press relentlessly on.

    The light of the world is within you.

    Like

  2. Jura Nanuk says:

    You cool, man. No bulls***t kind of guy. Respect to that.

    Like

  3. Jacob Winkler says:

    I enjoyed this post. Thanks for writing. One of the things that struck me the most is something that probably most bloggers appreciate: you had a dramatic shift in mood just by writing and sharing your experience.

    I can totally relate to feeling conflicted between peacefulness and pacifism, being compassionate and being firm, being responsible and being nonjudgmental, and I agree, it all comes down to balance.

    Are you familiar with the concept of “mixing levels?” I was reminded of this by your post. Basically it’s when someone might say something like, “I’m unconditionally loving so I’m not going to call someone on their irresponsible behavior.” Another related term is spiritual by-pass: using spiritual concepts to strengthen the ego and its character defects.

    May God’s Light pour into you, fill you up, and shine out to others.
    May you feel the Peace of God and be able to act with God’s Love, and through your action make the world a happier place.

    May you be blessed in all ways.

    Like

  4. Cintana says:

    i like the pic and I like your opinion 🙂 stay cool…

    Like

  5. igotsomethin says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Sounds like your bad mood is over, but if not, you might watch a YouTube video called The Fuck It Point.

    Like

    • Watched the video… YES!!! EXACTLY!
      The bad mood was caused by losing the balance between “meditation, awareness” “Peace & Love” and “Action” (which means resistance). This happens to me at times – maybe because I am a Pisces and water is easily disturbed (on the surface) by the wind. But the balance is back (well almost)… the process has left me stronger… and I am seeing a clearer path (of resistance).
      Thank you for the link. Derrick Jensen is one of my all time favorite authors.
      Good luck with the land – I would almost envy you, except I know that is not my ‘way’ (or path). 🙂

      Like

  6. the_lunatic says:

    Sorry about your mood … but seems like you’re working things out. If all else fails, admire yourself in that picture. It’s bad ass, and wonderful 🙂

    Like

  7. Love me some bikers 🙂

    Like

  8. Don’t sell out, love the pic, and wishing you a better mood.

    Like

  9. Yes, I understand completely, have known many bikers in my life. They have always been kind to me, respectful, and even protected me when I was young. Many bikers travel through my small town and live here, they are free, as you stated.

    My 2nd boyfriend was a biker (he was in his twenties) but have to say they did teach me much about life, common sense and street smarts. Although I am 5″ tall, to this day I know a few, we are friends.
    They are so dependable, if I am ever in trouble, they will be here in 5 minutes.
    Not to say, that there aren’t some that do not do bad things, but my biker friends stand for justice, freedom, have morals, and are good people.
    My friends tend to not get along with other bikers from up north that commit violent crimes etc., best if they don’t cross paths. When they do, usually ends up with everyone going to prison or someone getting hurt/killed.
    Glad my friends stand for justice, no violence against innocent bystanders, and are just great dependable dudes all around.

    Like

      • Nice reply Sprinklin Thoughs (I am laughing) boy you were in a great mood on this date (being sarcastic here).

        Are you in a better mood now? I am hoping….

        Has the conflict been resolved from this day? If too personal, I understand….

        Like

        • Kind of personal but what the heck…
          Answer: sort of. Aside from bullshit at work which aggravated things, I’ve been struggling with the whole “Let us meditate & raise our inner awareness” vs. “Oh wow, Peace & Love man” vs. “Lets do something real to stop the madness & killing” thing… Struggle over – I now see/know that it is a balance thing… next is to look at it more deeply and figure out a way of ‘presenting’ it. (which is why I’ve been quiet & not posting much). Getting there…
          Hey, thanks for asking… kind of nice to know somebody gives a shit. 🙂

          Like

          • Well, guess it’s interesting to me due to living life on two ends of the spectrum, that being this:

            a) get bored easily, and know many how can I put this on the web….let’s just say people that are not boring. My past has been quite “abnormal” because never judge a person by their cover. For example, a person dressed in full leather and on a Harley Davidson….find them interesting, and immediately start a conversation. Found many friends this way , and some of the nicest people of my life. The bikers of course just wanting to stare at my chest, but my enjoying listening to their life’s travels and exciting excursions all over the states. Knowing many people from my twenties, that still travel to this area a few times per year from California.

            b) housewife living in suburbia with moral values and beliefs, and my husband is “square.” Husband does not know of letter “a” above.

            The two are separate, but collide and get me into conflict and trouble.

            I know how you feel, well at least think I do….

            Like

            • “I know how you feel, well at least think I do…”
              Sort of… I think you do have an idea and out of respect I would not dare say otherwise, but also (going by the Liz says it right out loud method) I’d like to make sure by asking for a favor… watch this video – please and thank you – (42 minutes is asking a lot I know, but still, please?) and then get back to me. OK? If you still think you know how I feel then splendid! – we’re truly kindred spirits. If you find you did not know how I feel, but are beginning to now, then splendid! – another soul awakens. 🙂
              Credit: the link comes from http://igotsomethin.wordpress.com/ who shared it with me (Thank you!) in a comment – on this post actually…
              The Fuck-it Point
              http://savagerevival.net/

              Like

  10. Anitra says:

    Sorry you’re in a bad mood … bad moods suck. But, they always pass, don’t they? “keep your flame lit… light others… be part of the awakening… as the dawn lights up the sky, the darkness of night will vanish.” … Beautiful and inspiring words. You’re way more effective than a bonfire, by the way … You’re writing to a world full of people who need your words to light them, even for just a moment. Your light already shines bright, I assure you, and I don’t even know the you behind the blog.

    Like

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