I’m a Lousy Dancer

You know, I’m actually a very shy creature. This could be because of the beatings I took as a child, or because I was picked on when I was a boy, or because I was laughed at as a teen. Then again, it could be because I see things differently and we all know what happens to anyone in this society who is different.

Anyway, on top of my shyness I believe that I am on the low end of the autistic scale (self-diagnosed) – somewhere in the Aspergers area. When I talk to people, I sometimes go on a bit too long, or I get lost in what I’m thinking and forget to see what I’m seeing and miss those all important body-language cues – which I’m not really good at reading anyway.

Then again, maybe I’m just stupid. Easy answer… about covers everything, doesn’t it?

In short, any sort of social interaction takes a huge amount of effort and thus soon drains me to a degree that can be (literally) unhealthy.

Oddly enough – or following but not at all oddly – if I am in a situation where the (social) rules are easy to understand and firm, I can hold my own pretty well. Except I still have a difficult time with ‘small talk’ and I cannot tolerate bullshit. I suppose that’s why I’ve been fairly successful in the workplace and as a manager. Quirky manager/employee? Certainly. But still, successful enough. That is, until they started changing the rules.

Even here on this bloggy thingy… I think ‘oh this should be a good post’ and I get no comments. Or I think, ‘this one is not so hot, but may as well post it since I’ve put the (writing) time in’ and I get a good deal of ‘likes’ and comments. I really don’t understand this at all. Never have and probably never will.

Or, I’ll try to ‘participate’ and post a comment – one that is as positive & contributory as I can make it – only to find that I was way off the mark. Misread some cue someplace. Just another reason to keep my mouth shut.

One time, during a divorce process, I went to a psychologist – thought I’d give it a try to see what happens. Brought some of this stuff up, including the Aspergers thing. Guess what. I found myself being escorted out halfway into my third session, “Oh you’re doing fine, you don’t need me. Call if…” Say what? OK, see ya.

So what am I trying to say here?

Beats me, just trying to write one of those posts that people will like, comment on, and maybe help to make me famous.

Not really… well… maybe a little… (Come on… Don’t we all write for some kind of recognition, acceptance, agreement…?)

Seriously, what I’m trying to say is this: although I’ve been told that I am graceful, supple, even ‘fluid’, I’m a lousy dancer. I mean a *really* lousy one. So bad actually that I don’t dance at all – won’t even try it.

Still don’t believe me? Then how about this:

   “And what can you offer me?” she asked, “You seek my friendship but know not how to be a friend. In truth you are dull, dress poorly, cannot entertain, dance not, hold poor conversation, have an ungraceful manner, indeed seem a seriously wounded soul. Yet you do have a gentle disposition and a good heart. But these are not enough to win mine. So what do you offer for my heart Mr. M?”
   “The only thing I can. That which no other may, for we are matched. I offer you my heart and all that comes of it.”
   “Alas, ’tis not enough, for I dare ask more than just a heart. I want to dance, to sing, to laugh, to play – and in these you know not how to accompany me.”
   “This may be true, but might it be that my heart is capable but practiced not because it still waits to be wakened? Or that once wakened it was broken?”
”   It matters not to me for I am not a mender of hearts. And with that I will bid you a good day, Mr M.”

A side thought: Why is it that we so often seek accompaniment to our desires, and so seldom to accompany another’s?

So if I happen to step on your toes, even though it may look like I did it on purpose, I didn’t. I mean, who the hell wants to step on people’s toes? Not me… that would be clumsy or, worse yet, unkind. On top of that, to make matters worse, my feet are so big that I sometimes don’t even know I did it (in case you can’t read between the lines – I’m lousy at that too – that would be the Aspergers thingy).

Add to this my particular propensity for ‘seeing’ the insanity that surrounds us, and… well I think you get the drift…

M

Advertisements

About SprinklinThoughts

Give good to the world & make sense of it... the world, not the good... well... OK, the good too. :-)
This entry was posted in Me. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to I’m a Lousy Dancer

  1. risinghawk says:

    Strange. I “follow” your blog, but have never once received a notification when you post something. Just today, I came over to have a look, and there all sorts of posts! This one struck me – especially the part about thinking a blog is good, and then no one reads it, and vice-versa. There’s no way to figure it – so I just keep putting them out there. Maybe it’s more for me than anyone else! Wait! I didn’t check the box that said “notify me of new posts via e-mail.” Yeah, that explains a lot. Blessings, and keep up the good writing! It IS good, and I enjoy reading your stuff. Blessings…

    RH

    Like

    • Thank you.
      I enjoy readin your blog too – makes me think 🙂

      Like

    • I “follow” your blog, but have never once received a notification when you post something. — I found that too sometimes & am not sure why (might be clicking on follow in bar isntead of on button?), but I did figure out that if I go to the dashboard and click on “Blogs I follow” the ‘problem’ blog “Delivery Frequency” is set to ‘never’ – so I just set to ‘daily’ or ‘immediate’.
      HTH,
      M

      Like

  2. elroyjones says:

    Hmmm, Aspergers. I’ve contemplated that diagnosis too. I’m inclined to believe, instead, that we are our true selves when we are children and, if we are lucky, we return to that self through experience and awareness.

    Like

    • I agree about being true as children & returning… Just look at the old couple down the street – they both seem like a couple of happy kids. 🙂
      I only mentioned the Aspergers thing because it seems to make a difference to people. People like to be able to apply a label… Whereas I tend to agree more with the Indians – (minus the labels & diagnosis) people are who they are & let them be who they are, the really odd ones are special in some way and that’s a good thing.

      Like

  3. I don’t really know why we often want someone to adhere to our own desires but won’t consider theirs but here’s one option: maybe we are all inherently selfish. Children see themselves as the ‘center’ and it is only as they approach double figures that they start to consider other people, maybe even as adults we can’t fully be rid of this subconscious selfishness. Relationships (any, not just romantic) are based on equality and compromise – well the ones that work out are – if one person is always submitting everything will be fine for a while but there’s only so much one can take before they fight back for their own desires.

    Like

    • “…maybe we are all inherently selfish. Children see themselves as the ‘center’ and it is only as they approach double figures that they start to consider other people, maybe even as adults we can’t fully be rid of this subconscious selfishness.”

      An excellent observation. I think we’re all still just kids, running around in larger bodies – pretending to be ‘mature’ – but with lots of “growing up” still to come.
      Thank you for stopping by, reading, and commenting.

      Like

  4. lizeccentric7 says:

    This is yet another great post, passionate and personal – gives a glimpse of you. I like all of your posts. Just wish had time to comment on every blog I follow.
    To answer your question: I write because am a very social person love meeting bloggers from across the globe and seeing what life is like in Europe, Russia, Cambodia, Argentina etc.
    Plus, I am a huge nerd and live to read and give unwanted advice.
    You are a wonderful writer just don’t think you have realized that just yet.

    Like

Please feel free to comment... and thank you... :-)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.